Salted Caramel

Beth will throw one of her patented ‘cheesy head tilts’ into a photo whenever she can

It's the first day after my first cheesecake of the year and I'm literally laughing my ass off.

I really thought that every cheesecake from The Factory would be a home run. Because every time I've had cheesecake there, I've loved it! I thought, is this even going to be interesting when I inevitably rate every flavor a 5 out of 5? Where's the conflict? Well, I was humbled last night. There *will* be conflict because notallcheesecakes.

Let me start by talking about what kind of cheesecake I typically prefer. I love a classic slice where you can really taste the cheesy tang and it's dense. I don't want it to get too smothered by other things which as I type that out loud sounds like I'm gonna be disappointed by The Factory over and over again because that's kind of what they do. That's my ideal cheesecake. Maybe there's fruit on top. I don't really care about whipped cream. I do care a lot about crust and the ratio of crust to filling. I think that covers it.

Last night I was reunited with my friend Beth from college. She's been in Paris for 5 weeks so we had a lot to catch up on. Before her vacation, we were making trips every Tuesday to The Grove for $5 movies at the AMC. Our plan was to get a cheesecake to go, eat outside, and then see M3GAN. I told Beth she gotta pick out the slice and she went with salted caramel. She said she wanted to make sure she locked one down that really mattered to her in case someone else claimed it later. So far all of this makes a lot of sense, right?

So we get the damn slice and we take it outdoors and find a seat next to The Farmer's Market. I did this same ritual on a date last fall so I really felt in flow. My date ordered the seasonal pumpkin cheesecake which was a pink flag for me because he was insistent on it even though my first suggestion was key lime. Pumpkin cheesecake seems like a waste to me even though it turned out to be delicious but also it obviously does not pair well with key lime so like, give it up dude and let me have my flavor. That was our last date. Not because of the cheesecake, he just ghosted me.

Oh also I should mention that my grandma died yesterday morning. I was very distracted all day with work and then this cheesecake thing and to be honest, I'm still distracting myself. But it feels important to mention because she was a mother figure, she helped raise me, and she taught me how to bake and she always had my favorite sweets out and knew my dessert preferences. I think she would laugh at me if she knew about this whole project I'm doing. But in a loving way because she thought I was funny.

So we open the cheesecake and right away I notice it's been smushed a little bit in transit. I try to prop it back up with my fork but it's sticky and glued to the side of the container and Beth tells me to give up. I also notice that the filling part is longer than the crust part. I'm worried immediately about the ratio but I'm trying to be in acceptance and take my time before judging. We take our bites and Beth says it first. No salt. This is basically a caramel cheesecake. I point out that there are some little nuggets in it but I can't tell what they are. Salt flakes? I genuinely can't identify them. I'm also grasping for more crust. I feel like I'm stealing crust away from Beth with how little crust is on the bottom of this thing.

We eat most of it, despite only sort of liking it. Beth discovers that the back end (and yes, we made a joke about the 'back end') has a layer of graham cracker to it that makes the whole thing more interesting and enjoyable. So that was fun. I started to feel kind of sick though, like the cheesecake was stuck somewhere in my chest cavity. Beth said she felt funny too. We wrapped it up and headed to the movie. The ticket taker tells me he can't allow me in with outside food. I didn't hesitate, I just threw that shit in the trash. And that is the most powerful statement I could make about this slice. I did think he must be new there because I absolutely *am* allowed to bring food in, especially leftovers in a TCF bag which is right next door. But I didn't want to argue.

We went to the bathroom before the movie started and as we're washing up, we're talking about the cheesecake and how it was just okay and this woman interrupts us to ask "where did you get bad food?". We said "at The Cheesecake Factory" and she told us that she thinks that place is overhyped but her stepkids love it and they always make her go there. We had a laugh together but, truthfully, I'm on her stepkid's side. I still love The Factory, despite my Salted Caramel slice experience. I kind of have to believe that since I have 32 flavors left to try.

My dog is farting so bad so I'm gonna end here. 2 out of 5 stars. Should stars be my rating system? Sound off in the commies.