Chocolate Tuxedo Cream
Naomi covered her face in whipped cream because she knows how to make good content
Well it’s finally happened. I’m sick of The Grove.
Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to bring Scoop with me, maybe it was just too hot out to carry him on my chest in his doggy backpack, maybe taking him to Topshop and Sephora and Barnes and Noble was all too much. But as I was picking up my cheesecake yesterday I looked around me and said “I’m so tired of coming here”. Do I even want to be A-list anymore?
I’ve been sick to my stomach all week. A combination of Lexapro withdrawal probably and meeting someone new I’m excited about and feeling a fuller range of feelings again. I can’t eat. Even cheesecake itself sometimes? Sounds gross to me. It might also be that I’ve had 29 slices in a year.
I love a post that breaks the form and this is one of those. Sivan has been on the blog before but she didn’t try a TCF cheesecake, we went to Uncle Tetsu instead because it was Passover. Her daughter Naomi is the first minor to appear on this blog. Naomi is in the 4th grade and she had a lot to tell me about it and what 4th graders are up to these days. One thing I love is gossip about kids I don’t know. My friend Lily told me once years ago that Eric P finger banged Jessica M on the bus and I’ve never forgotten it.
Naomi is super super smart. She’s so astute that after my stepdad’s funeral she said that my sister’s speech was ‘inappropriate’ and she was correct. She’s funny which isn’t surprising to me because her mom is Sivan, one of the funniest people on the planet. And she’s accomplished. At the parent teacher conference they told Sivan that she has a truly unique personality, she’s light years advanced, kind to others, and all the kids respect her. If I’m going to have any child on the blog, I’m proud that it’s Naomi.
Okay, so the gossip. I’m going to change the names to protect the innocent. But apparently 4th graders now, instead of asking each other out, propose marriage to each other and then have weddings on the playground at recess. And this kid Benjamin dressed up in a suit one day to propose to someone and SHE SAID NO and then threw the ring away! I asked if there were ever any gay weddings and learned that Emma S. and Grace dated twice but they never got married which is cool. Naomi has not been proposed to but her crush likes her back so she’s not worried about it and in fact she has been rehearsing what she’ll do if she gets proposed to and wants to say no but also be kind, unlike the girl who threw the ring in the trash.
I also learned all about Naomi’s Kitty Cove days. She doesn’t do Kitty Cove anymore because she is no longer “a weirdo” but she and her friends used to have a designated corner of the playground they called Kitty Cove. In Kitty Cove, there are Kitty Presidents, Kitty Princesses, Kitty Queens, and Kitty Vice Presidents. They play “cat-related games” like one game that is based on the movie Night at the Museum and another called Kitty Escape that Abigail tried to copy and call Baby Escape but Kitty Escape is the original. In Kitty Escape the owner of the Kitties is trying to capture all the kitties and put them back in their crates and you rescue kitties by tapping them on the head twice. The owner can only win if he captures all the kitties.
Another part of Kitty Cove is the digging (because kitties dig) and one time they dug up a pipe on the playground and the superintendent emailed all the parents to ask them to ask their kids to stop digging. They also pee on everything and when the boys created a Dog Cove to try to compete (eye roll), they were peeing on each other’s Coves and Sivan said “like the Roman Empire, they got too decadent” and it all came crumbling down. Tried to pee on too many things I guess. (editor’s note: the peeing is only fake peeing, not real pee)
Naomi also started a trend at school of naming their musical instruments and her cello is named Samantha. She showed me some fake Pokemon cards she owns and came up with an idea that she might sell them to someone by pitching to them that they could scam someone else with them. So she herself would not be lying or scamming. Pretty genius.
Anyway here’s the slice we got:
Sivan is a chocolate girl through and through. She introduced me to the idea of putting sour cream on brownies years ago. I’m glad there were some chocolate flavors left on the list she could choose from. This one has a layer of fudge cake which I already know I like, chocolate cheesecake, and vanilla mascarpone mousse. That vanilla mousse might have been my favorite layer. I only ate half of this because of my weakened appetite but I had a few bites later that night after some sex with a man and it really hit the spot. A different spot.
Chocolate Tuxedo Cream: 3 out of 5
Lemon Meringue
Mango Key Lime
Lemon Raspberry Cream
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Key Lime
White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
The Original
30th Anniversary Chocolate Cake
Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple
Classic Basque
Low-Licious with Strawberries
Chocolate Mousse
Chocolate Tuxedo Cream
Chocolate Caramelicious Made With Snickers
Cinnabon Cinnamon Swirl
Very Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate
Fresh Banana Cream
Godiva Chocolate
Ultimate Red Velvet Cake
Fresh Strawberry
Vanilla Bean
Pumpkin Pecan
Cookie Dough Lover’s with Pecans
Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake
Toasted Marshmallow S’Mores Galore
Tiramisu
Caramel Pecan Turtle
Celebration
Salted Caramel
I will be sending out a party invite soon. I’m reading a book called The Art of Gathering and it’s about having a purpose for bringing people together, creating unique, inspiring, meaningful experiences. That’s what we’re going to bring to The Cheesecake Factory, me and you sweet readers. December 2023.
I’m also reading a book of love poems one of my clients recommended to me because I’m romantic. Having sex with someone who worships my body has cured me of all of my depression, grief, body dysmorphia, and trauma. I think I’ll start checking in with clients like “have you tried getting sufficiently fucked? like many times a week? have you thought about that?” and I’m so sorry to be R-rated about it in what is supposed to be a PG-13 post but this is me today. I’m addicted to what the dick did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.