Ultimate Red Velvet Cake
Does it look like I just had fungus scraped out of my nose or what
Yes, I am a victim of AFS (Allergic Fungal Sinusitis) but I’m also a survivor.
I had my first ever surgery this week to remove polyps from my big fat nose. I’ve been having trouble breathing for about 8 years now so I thought why the heck not get these things removed already. I’m not too busy. It’s hot out. I want to try anesthesia. I want to be able to sleep on my right side again. I’m 40. I like trying new things. Maybe I can stop buying so much Kleenex, so many menthol inhalers, taking so much Zyrtec. Making out will be more fun if my nose isn’t constantly dripping. I can get my S-shaped septum fixed at the same time! I’ll be able to eat a lot of ice cream and popsicles during recovery. Watch a lot of Housewives. Got a lot going in the Pros column so far.
The Cons: I have to wear packing and spacers in my nose for a week. I woke up the first night with my face and neck covered in blood. My insurance sucks so I think it’s going to cost me somewhere between 7 AND 8 THOUSAND dollars. That’s it I think. Just a lot of blood and medical debt.
The realest and biggest Pro though is the friends I made along the way. I should say the friends who have been my friends, who showed up for me, and who know me so well. Mark (Mango Key Lime) drove me to Westwood and spent about 10 hours in the hospital with me so he could be there when I woke up. He was the first to tell me that they removed FUNGUS from my nose. (I’m allergic to fungus so that was bad for me.) He took me for pizza afterwards and drove me home. He came BACK two days later to walk Scoop (Chocolate Carmelicious Made With Snickers) and work from my place all day so he could help me. He brought me water, he did my dishes, he taught me a new board game about cowboys. He made hot dogs and toasted the buns. He killed a cockroach in my kitchen. So many acts of service, I can’t name them all.
Jamie (White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle & Cinnabon Cinnamon Swirl) came over to hang out with me for hours and she watched RHONY with me and let me explain the drama to her. She made me laugh even though I begged her not to because it hurt to move my face at all. She can’t help herself. She worried that I might lose my Big Nose Energy (I won’t). She offered me mushrooms but I didn’t take any. Stupid. I love gifts.
Julie (Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake) came by twice. She also killed a cockroach for me with her shoe (my place is clean, there’s just construction going on next door.) She walked Scoop. We tried to watch Sliding Doors, gave up, and watched Wedding Crashers instead. She gave me a hand massage and told me I ask really good questions.
Tiffany (Fresh Banana Cream) asked me what I was craving and sent me ginger beer and coffee chip ice cream. Jorie (Toasted Marshmallow S’mores Galore & Godiva Chocolate) offered up her husband for a hospital ride. Hannah (Lemon Meringue) took me camping last weekend to relax in preparation and she’s taking me on a surprise overnight trip tomorrow. Sivan (Uncle Tetsu) called to check in and talk with me on the phone. I was scared I would be alone. I wasn’t. Everyone showed up for me.
Now let’s get to the main event: Beth (Salted Caramel, Celebration). She spent the night with me my first night home from hospital. When I woke up covered in blood? She woke up too and cleaned me off with a wet washcloth. She definitely wins for Grossest Thing Someone Had To Do For Me. She brought me a pint of Jeni’s and some Tylenol. She walked Scoop. And today, she took me to our favorite spot Da Grove for cheesecake and a movie (Bottoms!). My first outing since the big surg. I washed my hair, put on makeup and jewelry. I felt hot even with the blood still oozing from my left nostril.
As you know, Beth is on a mission to choose all the worst flavors. For this outing she wanted to pick a slice that was at the BOTTOM of her list. A flavor that she felt most unwilling to try, that sounded the most disgusting to her. She chose Ultimate Red Velvet Cake. She said “I gotta give the people what they don’t want”. I noticed that this flavor, she’s actually on one of their giftcards.
So…people like it? Or it’s just that it matches the red of the TCF branding? The cashier told us it was “sweet”. I think the people who work at TCF should have to wear their favorite cheesecake on their name tags. At Mendocino Farms, all the name tags say the person’s favorite item. Why TCF doesn’t do it like that.
I noticed that they took the Caramel Apple cheesecake off the menu. I confirmed it with the cashier. She probably thought I was a total freak for noticing, a real psycho. I gotta get to these cheesecakes faster! August was a total bust, I ate no cheesecakes in August. Sometimes I can be a real stupid bitch.
This is the cheesecake:
The back is covered in white chocolate barf. I didn’t touch the whipped cream. But what we did eat was….good. Beth got lucky. I was really skeptical of the giant layer of cream cheese frosting. It wasn’t overly sweet though! The cashier was wrong when she said it was “sweet”. Idiot. This was creamy and cheesy! This was a cheesecake!! Yes it has a layer of red velvet cake in there but red velvet cake tastes like basically nothing! WE LIKED THIS CAKE. Beth said it reminded her that she likes cheesecake. We decided this is definitely going to live above the other two Beth ate, Celebration and Salted Caramel. Which isn’t hard because they are both at the very bottom of the list.
Ultimate Red Velvet Cake: 3 out of 5
Lemon Meringue
Mango Key Lime
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
The Original
Classic Basque
Chocolate Caramelicious Made With Snickers
Cinnabon Cinnamon Swirl
Very Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate
Fresh Banana Cream
Godiva Chocolate
Ultimate Red Velvet Cake
Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake
Toasted Marshmallow S’Mores Galore
Tiramisu
Celebration
Salted Caramel
When I got out of the movie, my cousin texted me to tell me she lost my keys. Maybe it’s the Extra Strength Tylenol combined with all the sugar but I didn’t freak out. Beth drove me to the top of Da Grove parking structure and we looked out over our beautiful city. We went to Mendocino Farms, got tasty salads, and met a very weird looking pug. We went to Trader Joe’s and I got some “unicorn baby’s breath”.
I got to meet a locksmith named Danny who just moved here two months ago from Israel. Scoop barked his head off at him and Danny just laughed. I don’t know, it was a good day.
It’s obviously going to take me more than a year to eat all the cheesecakes. Yes, they got rid of the Caramel Apple but they added a Cookie Dough and now also Pumpkin and Pumpkin Pecan. Yes, I’m still planning to get a tattoo of whichever cheesecake comes in first place. But I’m taking my time. I started this quest because I had one very terrible year. This cheesecake year though? It’s been amazing. It’s so easy to write about your friends. You really just have to list all the loving things they do, all the funny things they say, and all the things you love about them. Anyone could do it.